Surfacing Sorrow
by LadyCatBailey
Summary: After the events of OotP Harry is a the Dursleys, and they are their normal evil selves. Harry angst, Sirius angst. One Shot
1. Surfacing Sorrow

WARNING: Those of you who have not read book five, OotP, should NOT read this fic. Spoilers. Big ones. Go away now, and finish the book. Get tissues. ::sob::  
  
A/N: After finishing OotP, which did take me a while because when I got to the certain parts I couldn't stop bawling, I felt the need to rip things up. Anyone who knows me knows my favorite character was and always will be Sirius Black, and am heartbroken right now. So I'm writing this to get out anger.  
  
This fic is what not only what I believe Harry needs to say it's a way for me to get this off my chest, because lets face it I'm going to need at least fifteen years of therapy after reading OotP. ::sniffles and hugs Sirius who is not dead, DAMNIT:: So beware of lots of langue, violent thoughts, words, and actions.  
  
It was a hot summer day on Privet Drive, and most everyone was melting into tiny little puddles of sweat. Even the birds were silent, too hot and tired to both singing and chirping. This was mostly lost on Harry Potter, who sat in his room in Number Four, staring at the photo album he had been given by Hagrid at the end of his first year at Hogwarts.  
  
His heart clinched in anger and sorrow, not just for the parents he couldn't remember, but the man standing beside them, his fathers best friend. Sirius Black grinned and took a drink of his wine, winking and then tugging on lock of Harry's mum's hair, Lily. They were captured in a picture, taken at his parents wedding.  
  
Harry would never see his godfather again.  
  
He bit down on his lower lip, blinking rapidly to dry all tears from his eyes. He wasn't ashamed to admit he was crying, anyone in his position would be. Attacked by Voldemort again, learning of his destiny, and loosing the man who had been like a father to him. In his minds eye he could still Sirius, eyes wide as he fell in slow motion towards the veil.  
  
Never to be seen again. Gone from the life he had struggled to regain, gone from Harry's life. At that moment Harry would give anything, even his own life to see Sirius again, to be pulled into a hug by him, to hear his laugh just one last time. To tell Sirius how much he had meant to him, how much he loved him.  
  
But he would never be able to, never, never, never.  
  
"BOY GET DOWN HERE!" Harry slammed the album closed when he heard his Uncle yell, taking a deep breath. He laid the album beside him, staring at it for a moment. He considered, for a moment, to ignore his so-called family, simply lying down and going to sleep, to forget everything. But he heaved a sigh and stood, making his way out of his room.  
  
He walked slowly, in no hurry, and when he reached the kitchen where his Uncle Vernon sat with Aunt Petunia and their son Dudley. Harry felt ill, ill that they lived such happy, perfect lives. Without the pain and death he had seen.  
  
"What, Uncle Vernon." Vernon's eyebrow twitched as he glared at his nephew, and he turned an interesting shade of puce.  
  
"Don't take that tone with me, boy! You've got another bloody owl, with another bloody letter from you freak friends." Harry's hands clinched at his sides, and he gritted his teeth together to keep from grabbing his wand out of his pocket and hexing the whole lot of them.  
  
Instead he walked over and took the letter off the table, sitting down in a chair though he knew all three of the Dursley's would rather he be out of their sight so they could forget he was alive. He wouldn't have minded staying in his room and out of their way, but he rather enjoyed making them angry.  
  
The letter was from Remus Lupin, his old Defense Against the Dark Arts professor and one of his dad's best friends. He scanned it quickly, glad that it was only the standard how are you, we're fine, owl me back so I know you're okay that he almost always got from Lupin. It made him feel slightly better that Lupin mailed him at least every week to check on him. He might not have Sirius or his dad, but Remus was there, and he always made that clear.  
  
"From you murder of a godfather?" Dudley asked snidely, assuming that because he was with his parents that Harry wouldn't do anything. How very wrong he was.  
  
Harry froze, his hands clinching to fists and ripping the letter in half. His face turned pale, and he turned burning eyes onto his cousin. He drew in deep breaths, practicing seeing red from the pure rage that coursed through his veins.  
  
He had never told the Dursley's that Sirius was dead, it was still to raw for Harry to even think of speaking of him to anybody. But Dudley had dared to speak of Sirius in that tone of voice that clearly said he thought Sirius was below him, nothing but scum.  
  
"How dare you." His voice was soft, deadly soft. He was beyond the point of yelling or screaming. No, the fury that raced through him was to harsh, to deadly for him to that. He wanted to make them hurt. To hurt as he did.  
  
"Don't you talk to Dudley like that you little freak!" Vernon snarled, dropping the evening paper to glare at Harry. Petunia leveled a glare at her own at Harry, but he didn't care. He didn't care about anything at that moment.  
  
"I'll talk to him any damn way I please, Uncle Vernon." He stood jerkily, drawing his wand and gripping it in a tight fist. "Never, ever, talk about Sirius in front of me again, or so help me God I'll kill you." Dudley squeaked like the pig he was and sat frozen in shock, while Petunia gasped.  
  
"You ungrateful little punk!" He turned his wand on Vernon now, his eyes glinting dangerously.  
  
"Shut up! Right now, shut up!" Petunia scrambled to her feet and raced around the table, wrapping her arms around her son. Harry felt bile rise in his throat, and he took deep breaths, trying to keep his anger from busting out. Sparks flew from his wand and he fairly snarled at them all.  
  
"You know nothing. Nothing, do you hear me!? NOTHING! I've sent things that you can't even imagine, can't even comprehend! I've faced Voldemort, I've been hurt, I've watched people DIE! I watched-I watched Sirius die!" Tears blurred his vision for a moment but he blinked them back, not even noticing that one trailed down his cheek.  
  
"You think you're so good, so perfect. You aren't! You're the freaks, the abnormal ones! You don't care about anyone or anything besides yourselves and how you look! The only reason you're even alive is because I'm here! I lived through ten years of your shit, of your hate! Knowing that I could die and you wouldn't care, when all I wanted was just one kind word! ONE! Would that have killed you!?  
  
"In my world I'm famous, and even there people turn on me! Because I'm marked, I was marked before I was born! When I was eleven I was attacked by Voldemort and my professor, when I was twelve Voldemort came back and possessed my best friends sister, all to kill me! To kill you! When I was fourteen I was captured by Voldemort, I watched him KILL my friend! He tortured me, I watched my parents spirits come back, to save me! And now, now I've seen Voldemort in my dreams, and I watched him kill Sirius!  
  
"Do you understand me you pathetic excuses for humans!? I WATCHED SIRIUS DIE! TO SAVE MY LIFE! MINE!" Harry broke down them, sobbing uncontrollably, his wand arm dropping. Grief raged inside him, and he fell into the chair he had jumped from, leaning his forehead against the edge of the table.  
  
"He died because of me. Because of me!" The sobs wracked his body, and curled his arms over his head, unable to stop the tears. He didn't care that they were watching him in a shocked silence, he didn't care that he wasn't holding up to the standard that was set up to him. All he cared about was that Sirius was gone, his mum and dad were gone, Cedric was gone, and it was because of him.  
  
"What did you do to him!?" He jerked at the voice, but didn't look up.  
  
"How-How did you." Strong arms wrapped around him, and he turned into them, looking up and seeing the blurred face of Remus Lupin. Harry buried his face in Remus's chest, wrapping his own arms around Remus's waist as he cried. Never before had he let himself do this, and never before had someone comforted him like his.  
  
"Harry, its okay. Its okay, Harry." Remus looked up, eyes flashing as he glared at the Dursleys.  
  
"What did you do to him!" he demanded. Harry had never heard Remus with such anger in his voice, not even when they confronted Wormtail in the Shrieking Shack.  
  
"He just....His godfather...and he just went mad! He's unstable!" Vernon stuttered out, while Petunia stared at them with horror. Dudley had hid his face in his mother neck, trying shrink into a ball.  
  
Harry heard something that sounded suspiciously like a growl rumble from Remus, but he kept his face hidden, still crying. Crying for Sirius, for Cedric, for all the others, and all the times he had never allowed himself to cry. Remus lifted a hand and ran it through Harry's hair, something that a parent would do, very gently. This made Harry cry all the harder.  
  
"Do you have any idea what this boy has been through?" Remus demanded, his voice shaking in anger. "Do you!?"  
  
"He...He said that he watched people die...Because of him." Petunia said softly, eyes wide. Remus snarled, and Harry hunkered into him even more.  
  
"You filthy little people. This boy, this child, has seen and been through more then you know." Harry, who's tears had subsided some what, looked up, lifting a hand to scrub at his face. Remus rubbed his back comfortingly, then leaned away slightly, looking him in the eye.  
  
"What happened, Harry?" He asked softly, kindly.  
  
"They...I got your letter...and...and Dudley asked if it was from...If it was from my...from...Sirius...he called him a freak! He...he doesn't..." Remus' whole body stiffened though he pulled Harry back into a huge, gently calming him and whispering kind words. When Harry gained control of himself Remus stood, and Harry was surprised to find Tonks standing in the kitchen doorway, shock, anger, and pity raging in her face.  
  
"Take him to his room, Tonks." She nodded and went forward, wrapping an arm around Harry. He was drained, tired, ready to pass out it felt like. He leaned on her and she led him upstairs, rubbing his arm.  
  
Remus turned back to the Dursley's, and no words could even begin to describe the anger he was feeling at that moment.  
  
"Let me explain something to you, because its obvious you have no clue about Harry. That boy watched his godfather die not a month ago. Do you understand that, he watched his godfather, the closest thing Harry had to a father, DIE. Before that, he watched his friend die. No, they didn't die. They were murdered. Now I know this hard for you to grasp, but people beside yourselves have feelings. And that boy has shouldered and taken the weight of things you can never understand." Remus drew a deep breath, but his eye began to twitch in a rather odd way when Vernon spoke up.  
  
"Well you heard him!" Vernon blustered. "It was because of him! He's not-" That, obviously, was the wrong thing to say to the enraged werewolf. With a cry he had blown Vernon backwards without uttering a single spell, and stalked forward, heaving the large man up and slamming him against the wall.  
  
"You-Vile-Little-Bastard!" Petunia burst into tears, and Dudley dove under the table. Remus was having a hard time controlling his anger, and Tonks appeared in the kitchen doorway, eyes wide. No one had ever seen calm Remus Lupin loose his temper like this. Frankly, Tonks hoped she never would again.  
  
"I-I didn't-I don't-" Remus cut him off by pulling back and then slamming him into the wall again, leaning a nice sized dent.  
  
"If you ever even think that again I will kill you. You don't deserve that boy, and I wish I could take him away from here right now. Not let me make this perfectly clear, either you leave him alone or I will do things to you that you have never even dreamed of." Remus dropped Vernon, and turned his glare on Petunia.  
  
"I would have thought you would have respected your sisters memory enough to give at least a little kindness to her son. But you always were a vain and hateful woman."  
  
"You don't have any right to come in here-" Petunia started, but cut off and fell into Dudley's chair when Remus advanced on her.  
  
"No you don't have the right! No right at all to do to that boy what you've done to him!"  
  
"Remus, calm down." At the voice every turned, seeing Albus Dumbledore himself standing in the room. Remus stalked over to him, still twitching and glaring, and Dumbledore laid a hand on his shoulder.  
  
"Go see Harry. I'll deal with them." Remus gave a tight nod, casting one last hateful look back. Tonks, who was a loss, simply coughed then followed Remus, having to desire to see what Dumbledore would do.  
  
However, he did nothing, simply glared. He had always look at Harry as his own son, loved him like his own son, and like Remus visions of all the ways he could maim, torture, and hurt the Dursley's ran through his head.  
  
"I believe Remus said what I wanted to. You've treated Harry like a dog for his whole life, I should have stepped in earlier. But I'm here now, and you had best remember that without Harry everything you know, your very lives, will be lost." With that Dumbledore turned and swept up the stairs to check on Harry, leaving Petunia to sob, Dudley to stay under the table and pray to every god he knew, and Vernon to watch the little birdies that were swimming around his head.  
  
A/N2: Yeah. I'm feeling evil right now, though writing this really helped. I still think our goddess JKR is cruel right now...killing Sirius...okay, I'm off to sob and molest Sirius fan art. 


	2. Petunia's Forgivness

****

A/N: Okay, so, I couldn't just leave this alone. One-shot has turned into a two-shot, and next thing we know this baby is going to be a 'thirty-seven shot' or something. ::sigh:: Someone stop me. Anyway, I hope everyone kind of picked up on how Petunia said or did very little after Harry got started, and that's because I wanted...okay, well yeah, just read. Tell me if you like or not, and to everyone who reviewed I'll have some thankies below.

Disclaimer: (Sorry, forgot this last time) I don't own Harry Potter nor anything affiliated with Harry Potter. If I did Sirius would be ALIVE thank-you-very-much, and Harry would be happily living with him because the Dursley's make me want to kill something. I do, however, own this piece of writing and if you steal it I will turn you over to Wormtail. To do what, you ask? To be is love slave. Yes. I am evil.

Petunia Dursley had everything she had ever wanted. She had a husband, a son, and the perfect life. At least, she _would _have had the perfect life if it wasn't for her..._freak _of a nephew who lived with them on the summer holidays.

But somehow, that night, she couldn't bring herself to hate him as much as she normally did. Not three hours before she had witnessed Harry Potter break down. Even when he was a child he had not cried much, had not needed much. She had never in her life cared about him, he was her sisters child, and it was their own fault for getting themselves blown up by that...that...Voldemort and sticking their freak of a son on her and her honest, perfect family.

But now...now she felt twinges of regret and sorrow string through her heart. He had said things that made her stomach turn, and his tears had made guilt worm through her. And watching him, the boy who she had always seen to be full of puffed up pride, break down, sobbing on that...that werewolf of all things, acting as though he had lost everything in the world...

It made her think, what if things were different. What she and Vernon were gone, what if Dudley was living with her sister and her husband, with Harry. She knew, as much as she hated to admit it, that Lily would have taken Dudley into their home and raised him with love and devotion, as if he was her _own _son.

Which had never done with Harry.

Remus Lupin, fighting back anger, and even at some points tears, had sat her and her family down and explained to them all that had happened to Harry. The death the had seen, the loss he had suffered, the pain that lived in him.

_"He was a wreak after the Tri-Wizard tournament. He escaped, yes, but he has scars that will never leave. He brought back Cedric's body, and the poor boy couldn't even stand. Grown wizards have faced Voldemort and they didn't last a minute, and that boy lived. He fought him and he _won_. No one else could do that." _Petunia's stomach turned as she heard Lupin's voice ringing in her ears.

She hated magic, she hated everything it was. Why? Because her family had _loved _Lily, had loved the fact that their youngest daughter was a witch. Lily had everything, she was beautiful, she was smart, she was a _witch_. Petunia had nothing...but she saw now that her mother and father had loved her, and that Lily had always tried to love her, to be a good sister.

And she had turned her back on the last link she had to her sister, the sister that she had once loved and cherished. She sighed and rested her forehead in her palm, elbow on the kitchen table. Vernon and Dudley had retired to their rooms, and Harry was still in his. 

She startled when she heard the fridge door open, and looked up quickly, seeing Harry pulling out a fizzy drink. Not even five hours ago she would have screamed herself hoarse at the little runt taking food and drink without her permission, but now she couldn't bring herself to do. 

Instead she did something she had never, _never_, done before...She was talked to him.

"There's food in there." Harry seemed just as startled as she felt when she said that, and turned quickly too look at her. Once again her heart squeezed at the sight of him. His face was red and blotched from tears, his hand shook, and his eyes...his held such pain that no child, no human alive, should ever have to carry.

"What?" His voice was scratchy and rough, no doubt from the hour he had spent sobbing in his room, held by Lupin and Dumbledore. That girl Tonks had sat in the living room glaring and fingering her wand, as she wanted nothing better then to hex the whole lot of them

Petunia couldn't really blame her.

"There's food in the ice box. You didn't eat anything." Her voice was strained, and she sniffed, trying to keep herself calm. Harry blinked, then shook his head, still staring at her.

"No thank you, I'm not hungry." His voice was tired, though it still held that edge of steel, steel that was keeping him sane right now.

"Well, go ahead and starve yourself. I can't stop you." She _knew _she shouldn't have said that, but she didn't know how to _talk _to this boy! He was a freak, he was a wizard, he was...he was her family. And he looked at her with Lily's eyes, and she couldn't hate the little boy that had once upon a time cried for his mummy, his daddy, and moony, and pa'foo, whoever they might be.

"You never cared before, _Aunt _Petunia." He glared at her, and she glared back before mentally slamming her head into the wall and looking away. She couldn't blame him, not a bit. 

"Well, sit down." She said sharply, still not looking at him. Harry arched an eyebrow, quite sure that the second he sat down she was going to cackle like a maniac and give him to Voldemort herself, but when he pulled out the chair and sat nothing happened.

"That...man told me what happened." Harry popped the soda open, but didn't say anything, not sure he really could. He was ashamed of his outburst, of crying, of having caused such a scene, though Remus had fairly attacked him when he said he was sorry. 

"I uh...I guess it isn't easy. Being you." Now _that _made him speak, because he felt anger bubbling up in him again.

"You don't know anything about being me. There is no 'guess' to it, it isn't easy at all. But I suppose you think I deserve every bit of it. I am nothing but a freak, an abomination that you put up with only because Dumbledore made you." Petunia couldn't look at him then, and she felt tears prick in her eyes at the harshness of his words; words that rang with bitterness.

"You've...you've got your mothers eyes, you know." Harry was once again shocked into silence, he had never heard Petunia speak of her sister willingly. She glanced up at him, clearing her throat before she continued.

"She was very proud of you. Always sent us pictures of you, and sent Dudley gifts. I saw you when you were born, you know. Lily was so happy, but your...father...hardly let me into the house. Didn't want me upsetting her, we always fought. No...I always fought with her." 

"You...saw my mum?" Harry asked, staring at her with hungry eyes. He had so little of his parents, he would take anything of them he could get, and from anyone.

"I lived with her for sixteen years." Petunia nearly scared the living daylights out of Harry and sent him a smile. He was almost positive she was under some sort of curse. He really didn't care though.

"But you were her pride and joy. Loved you with her whole heart. Your first birthday was a big blow out, they sent me pictures." Harry noticed the envalope that was almost busting at the seams in front of her, and she pushed it towards him. He hesitantly reached out, opening it. It was old and yellow, but inside it was packed full of pictures.

Pictures of him when he was a baby, pictures of his mum holding him, pictures of his dad trying to clean his birthday cake out of his hair...he stopped shuffling through them when he came to a picture of a young Sirius. He was sitting on a motorcycle, decked out in leather pants and a leather jacket, sunglasses shoved to the top of his head and holding his long hair out of his face. And propped up in front of him was Harry, giggling madly and waving his arms. He watched as Sirius tightened his arm him and lifted him up, and Harry's mouth opened up into a soundless shriek of delight. Sirius laughed, eyes twinkling, and brought him down, holding him against his chest. 

Then baby Harry tucked his head against Sirius' chest, smiling happily, and Sirius looked at Harry with such love it made his heart twist. Harry bit his lip, eyes filling with tears again.

"That's...that's Sirius." He said softly, watching. He would give anything to be that child again, to be with Sirius. Petunia leaned over slightly and looked at the picture.

"He's...he's the one who...died?" Harry nodded, still not looking up.

"He wanted me to live with him, you know. In my third year, before Wormtail got away, I was going to leave here forever. I was so happy...I was going to have a family." Harry looked away and scrubbed at his face, and Petunia again felt the tears welling in her eyes.

And then she did something that no one in the world could have expected.

"I'm sorry." Harry didn't know who was more shocked, her or him. They stared at each other for a moment, then Petunia drew a shaky breath, continuing. "I'm sorry I wasn't better too you. You deserved it. And I'm sorry about your...godfather. I really am." She reached out a bony hand and laid it across Harry's, and his breathing became heavy and he, once again, fought back tears.

When he was little he used to dream that one day he would wake-up and maybe, just maybe, she'd be nice to him. That she hug him, that she'd tell him she loved him, that Uncle Vernon would lift him on his shoulders like he did Dudley and laugh with him. One smile from any of them and he would have been able to live off that his whole life.

Now he finely had something of it.

Petunia patted his hand gently, then cleared her throat.

"You can keep those pictures, I have no use for them. Go on up to bed, its late. You have chores to do in the morning." Harry nodded, scooping up the pictures and sticking them in the envelop, then heading for the door. He turned around and looked back, chewing on his lip for a moment.

"Thank you, Aunt Petunia." He left then, hid himself in his room and fell asleep looking at the pictures. And Petunia Dursley laid her head down on her arms and cried. Cried for her sister, cried for her perfect family, cried for the little boy that had so desperately needed love.

And she cried for herself, for the hate and anger and bitterness that had ruled her life. She cried until she could cry no more, and later on as she slipped into bed she looked out the window at the twinkling stars and whispered to herself, "I'm so sorry, Lily. I'm so very sorry." 

And as she drifted off to sleep, she felt a brush of warm lips across her forehead, and the warm, smooth voice that she hadn't heard in almost sixteen years.

"You're forgiven, Pet."

A/N: Wow. I'm crying again. I know that this whole chapter was wishful thinking, but wouldn't it be nice if this happened? ::Sighs and wipes tears:: There might be one more chapter to this, of Lily and James greeting Sirius. I don't know, maybe. ::shrugs:: 

Adenara Yatmen: I don't know about _everyone's _favorite character, I know a few people that hate him. I think they're mentally unbalanced...er, more so then I am. I had an hour long cry after that scene. Evil, evil, EVIL...Thank you, I hope you like this chapter as much as the other one.

PrincessIvy aka Tori-Sis: Oh sissy, I'm heartbroken right now. I can't _believe _she did that to us. ::wails:: I want my darling back! ::curls up in the B CoK and sobs madly::

Amira L Renard: I'm a Goddess now!? WOOHOO! You can be a Princess with Tori sis! ;) Thank you sooo much, I'm seriously blushing like mad right now. We can have a breakdown together...Sirius...::whimpers::


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